Posts

detox.

y'all are tired of hearing it: new year, new me. understandable. but i've got a good feeling about this year.

i'm discovering myself in ways i never thought i would. after surviving a record breaking hurricane (yeah, guys, legit) and losing a lot of things (i.e. my florist job, my puppy, and my vocal chord's reliability), somehow, i don't feel devastated. i feel focused.

okay y'all it wasn't immediate, but hear me out.

last year, i felt yucky. last year, i kept up horrible habits and regretted it. last year, i felt lost and alone and sad all the time. i felt like i was constantly running a marathon. and this was before the hurricane.

i decided early in december that i wanted to make changes. i wanted focus. i wanted stronger faith. i wanted to not feel like i was drowning. so i made resolutions, like i do every year. but this time, i can sense that something is different.

and if i'm being honest? i don't know. i don't know if i'm going to be…

a dumb cheesy post that reminds me of what i wrote in middle school but i'm gonna post it anyways

I don't have everything.

For the longest time, I've struggled with the fact that I don't have everything. And I'm not talking about material things. Sure, there are plenty of material things that I'd like that I don't have. But I can live with that.

I struggle with the fact that my life is not the Perfect Life.

Obviously, Anna, nobody has a perfect life, right? How could you possibly expect to have one of those?

I'm a perfectionist. It's what I do best.

Honestly, part of it may be that I do have a very good life. I make really good grades, I have a great job doing things I enjoy with people I enjoy, I have a supportive family.

Maybe my issue is that I always want things to be better.

That's good, right? Wanting things to be better?

Sometimes. But sometimes I don't have any control over the Improvement of my Life. I can't keep making myself miserable about things that aren't in my control.

My mental health has been on the up and up lately…

a doll house

Most of my friends turn out to be fake.

I'm not including the imaginary ones.

I am so pessimistic on this blog. I promise I'm not like this alllllll the time. I must be going through my emo phase or something.

(That was a joke.)

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me, that I am just super pessimistic and I'm the one affecting my attitude. However, my common sense and logic (such as it is) is telling me that's probably not the case.

I've gotten into a slump. I ran into my former best friends this past week. Instead of the usual painful reminders of how they used to treat me, I could only think of all the good times we had (which was almost worse). I found myself missing them, missing them horribly. I can't understand why. I've taken steps to ensure that I won't be hurt by them again, but this also means that I won't be friends with them again.

I miss all the long conversations we had. I miss waking up to a message from them. I miss telling them goodn…

just me, God, and ocean breeze conditioner

I know. It's late. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I can rush to school and do some late homework and pretend like I practiced for guitar class. But something amazing just happened to me.

I've been super stressed out lately. And by lately I mean this school year. I've been thrown this way and that, desperately trying to keep my head above water so I'm still on good terms with my teachers. Learning three instruments and learning a ~new~ kind of math (it's music theory but it feels like math so much) and trying to write a few papers in between has been a little bit crazy. Fortunately, I also am a little bit crazy. So I'm making it work.

This one song I've been learning has totally thrown me for a loop. I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's because it can't decide what key it's in. Maybe it's because Bach plays his singers like violins. Maybe it's because I can't breathe. Take your pick.

In between taming the monster that is this so…

friendless in flowertown

(to my friends reading this: you know who you are and don't take that title too literally. ily babes)

My whole life, I have been excluded.

Ouch. Harsh, Anna.

Sorry. I wish I was exaggerating.

I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm really not. And yes, I've heard all the stories about me as a kid. How friendly and outgoing I was. How the old people at church called me "their baby" out of the three babies that came to church. How I'd talk to anyone, "make friends" with anyone.

Funny, huh, that I'm also known as a loner.

I don't know how it started. Ever since my childhood best friend started going to "real school" (that's homeschooler code for a school where your mom isn't the only teacher) and I found myself having to branch out and try to make other friends, I've seemed to face a lot of closed doors.

Don't get me wrong, I've made some great friends since then. I really have. I love my friends.

But don't thin…

my prayer

Yesterday morning I woke up with only one thing on my mind:
I'm not being the person God wants me to be. From the outside, people probably think I have my whole life together. I make good grades, I'm a member of a national honor society, and I have a great job. Unfortunately, more often than not, I'm not a good steward with the gifts I have been given. I wait until the last minute to do my homework, my room is a junkyard, I wake up late, I only practice enough to get by, and I stay up late every night on social media.
Not only am I making bad decisions, I'm not treating my body like the temple it should be. I'm gluttonous and slothful and I know it.
I don't want to be that way anymore.
Granted, I just escaped a grueling month. Granted, I'm taking more classes than some. But I know myself. I know I can handle this and thrive instead of barely getting by.
There are so many things I want to do. I want to blog again. I want to take pictures of my dolls for Inst…

ADULTING IS SCARY

Yuck.

I became an adult two months ago today.

Don't do it, kids. Just don't do it.

The last time I posted I had just gotten back from Disney. I believe not long after that I had my college scholarship audition. That was a little nerve wracking. I had to perform two solos in front of some of the music people at the college I'm going to and take a little test just to show my general music knowledge. Luckily, it was only in front of two people and a girl I knew from state choir showed me around the music building so I would get a feel for it.

After that, I had my senior play! I mentioned before that I got the role of Belle in my school Beauty and the Beast play. I had SO MUCH FUN. Best play ever. ESPECIALLY because on closing night, some of my online wolf pack friends came to see me. Two of which I already knew (and actually live just a town over), but two others I hadn't yet met and live a couple of states away! That was a huge, awesome surprise. ☺ Unfortunately for me, …