a doll house

Most of my friends turn out to be fake.

I'm not including the imaginary ones.

I am so pessimistic on this blog. I promise I'm not like this alllllll the time. I must be going through my emo phase or something.

(That was a joke.)

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me, that I am just super pessimistic and I'm the one affecting my attitude. However, my common sense and logic (such as it is) is telling me that's probably not the case.

I've gotten into a slump. I ran into my former best friends this past week. Instead of the usual painful reminders of how they used to treat me, I could only think of all the good times we had (which was almost worse). I found myself missing them, missing them horribly. I can't understand why. I've taken steps to ensure that I won't be hurt by them again, but this also means that I won't be friends with them again.

I miss all the long conversations we had. I miss waking up to a message from them. I miss telling them goodnight and goodbye and making them cookies and hugging them so hard their eyes bugged out of their sockets. I miss getting coffee and laughing so hard we cried and going on adventures. I miss it. I haven't had that again. I don't miss the lies and the insincerity and the secrets. But I miss them and their personalities and the love that I felt from them and for them. It stinks.

It didn't make it any better, then, when my current friends decided to leave me out of a lot of stuff. Still, I found myself going back to them: always talking to them, hanging around them, trying to break down this wall that I thought had been created by something I did. Turns out, the wall's always been there and school letting out took away my ladder to see over it.

I keep telling myself that I have enough to focus on this summer. I keep telling myself that I don't have time to have friends anyways. I keep telling myself that I have better things to do then start another friendship that's going to end. I'm not very good at listening.

I have friends, real friends. I've told my friends about this. They've been kind to me and have even offered to do things with me.

The fact is, my friends and I are not that close and I don't think we've ever been.

I have social anxiety. Even around the best of people, the kindest people, I feel anxious and worried that I'm going to do something wrong. It's not their fault. I don't even think it's mine. It's just the way my mind works.

I'm going to keep praying. I want to keep looking. I want to say no one, nothing can stop me. Broken hearts can't stop me. I want to never stop searching for a best friend.

But maybe God's trying to tell me something. Maybe I just need to listen to him for a while. His timing is perfect. I can't force people to be my best friend and I can't force our connection. I'm still not over my last "friend breakup."

I just wish I wasn't lonely anymore.